Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
