At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
