yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
