...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
