you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
