Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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