I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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