dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
