bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
