you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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