Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
