Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
