i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
