One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
