there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
