She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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