...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
