my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
