Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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