3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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