dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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