Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
