Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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