I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I did not marry a roomba.
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