So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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