why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i will never coherently bang her
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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