toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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