I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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