i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
