Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
