I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
His nipple licking is glorious
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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