I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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