There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize