I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
