peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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