Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
