That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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