You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
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I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
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Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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