if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
