I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
