420 ftw
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
