I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
FUCK WHALES
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
