Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
