have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
