her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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