It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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