i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
