My underwear smells like fireworks.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
