I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
