The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
