there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
