glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
