I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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