If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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