Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
